Good Morning! It’s ‘C’ again here…it’s been a week since my last post so I thought I should update you. Truth is I met a guy, fell in love and have just not been arsed with anyone for the last week. Bollocks. I wish. No I’m still very single and now with a pain in my heart….literally. So here’s the weeks recap:
1) Remember I had the date that I really just couldn’t be arsed with ? Well long story short, we met up and he was a perfectly nice guy and we shared a very pleasant tapas and glass of wine. (Actually the meal was delicious and it was the perfect date place, Barafina, Dean Street, Soho. It was bustling, a large single counter surrounding the masterful chefs at work and every mouthful was scrumptious) We followed this up with a milkshake a chocolate waffle at some nearby diner. Like I say he was a nice guy and we had the usual chats about life views, dating, politics, family, religion etc….but I turned into a very pleasant and ‘nice’ ‘C’ with him…..but I’m not ‘nice’…I’m inappropriate, on the edge out outright rude, I like to see how people react to my comments but with this guy I didn’t even try any because I knew it was not the appropriate situation. I don’t want a ‘nice’ guy! It made me think back to my ex who I miss more and more these days because our first date was explosive energy and it’s made me believe that such a connection does exist. I don’t want to settle for ‘nice.’ Nevertheless since I don’t exactly have men knocking down my door, I’m still in touch with him and it’s all ‘nice’. 😒 #boreoff To be honest, I’m seriously losing interest in this whole dating malarkey. I do have people asking me out for a drink here and there but I find myself having ZERO interest and just not responding. It not fair on other people but I just have no appetite for anyone right now and to be honest the thought of sex is massively unappealing. After several months of being ungroomed, it will have to be someone out of this world to make me want to start trimming my fur. I’ve seriously grown attached to this beard 😂 ….turns out I’m not alone. I was discussing this with one of my besties ‘D’ the other day and she started recounting a story from earlier this week which involved her standing in the shower, twirling her vagina hair thinking ‘when did this become normal,’……I mean, we’ve all been there. 😂
2) Pretty stressful week at work because I work with some absolute (what’s the best word to describe them?) ahhh yes, cunts. Anyway, on Tuesday midday I could feel a pain in my chest and it was painful to breathe and I couldn’t catch a full breath. I thought that it may have been related to my back and/or chest, because I do have huge boobs at 32F which I envisage as one day as going to give me trouble (I already seen a consultant frequently because I’m forever finding lumps but luckily all benign.) That evening a friend of mine left the company so I went for a celebratory beer or two with him and some folks after work. I was home relatively early, ate some food, watched some vacuous TV and then fell asleep with the pain still there. At 2am, I awoke with a massive pain in my heart, difficulty breathing and I honestly thought I was on the verge on having a heart attack. I rang ‘111’ – which is the non emergency equivalent to 999, whereby they tell you IF you should go to A&E or hold on for a doctor the next day etc. I rang them and told them my symptoms and they said they were sending an ambulance. I immediately said no, I will get a taxi because I didn’t want to drain resources and also I felt an ambulance was OTT but made me realise the seriousness of what I was feeling. I ran into ‘the helps’ room (my Mexican housemate) and told her what had happened. Without hesitation she jumped out of bed, threw on her clothes and came with me. I will always be thankful for this – it’s amazing how being ill and in an emergency situation can highlight how lonely and alone you are. At 33, I should have my husband taking me in the car and holding my hand. Instead I’m calling an uber and thinking that I should call my family and my ex to tell that how much I love them. Nevertheless I don’t want to worry my family and I know that I only want to contact my ex because he is the closest I ever had to a partner and although I’m still in love with him, he’s told me several times that he doesn’t love me anymore – it’s taken me all the strength in the world to not contact him these last few weeks and months and I can’t lose that time/strength by opening up for him to tell me he doesn’t love me again. Anyway….I get to the hospital and I’m sat in the waiting room….again, although my housemate is by my side, the sense of loneliness is overwhelming. I’m so over having to make a go at life on my own, what’s this all about ? The amount of times I have been in hospital alone, I should be used to it. What I would give to have a partner here, a support mechanism, someone to just squeeze my hand or even a hug….it would give me so much strength but instead I have to find the strength alone, again. Anyway I went to see the doctors and nurses and they did some tests and an ECG and luckily it was nothing to do with my heart. Still I wanted to figure out what was happening ? Finally I saw a doctor who told me that she thinks I have severe form of acid reflux….I looked at her and said, ‘so basically you’re telling me that I have indigestion ?!’ 😂Apparently the Gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), also known as acid reflux, is a long term condition where stomach contents come back up into the esophagus resulting in either symptoms or complications. It is due to poor closure of the lower esophageal sphincter (the junction between the stomach and the esophagus). Symptoms, can vary with the degree of severity from heartburn, through to severe pain In the chest, bad taste in mouth, sore throat and ulcers. Treatments depend on the severity which can include lifestyle changes, medication and if necessary surgery. The doctor gave me Meds and suggested I rethink my lifestyle/diet and go to see a GP if the pain doesn’t subside.
I must say that until having this, I wouldn’t have very imagined how painful it is. I am very worried because even now, 5 days later, I still have the pain in my chest, can’t take full breaths but have developed a very sore throat and ulcers in my mouth and tongue. I know you shouldn’t Google symptoms when you’re ill but it’s hard not to. I need to call my doctor first thing on Monday and try to get an emergency appointment.
3) Trump was officially inaugurated on Friday. The last year in politics has been one of the most interesting of my generation. Personally I feel that much of my generation prior to this last year had a real apathy with politics and decisions in general. They was no passion and a real sense of indifference. When you stop caring and there is mass indifference, then you leave a gap in place for a motivated minority to hack into and open and then one day you’re engulfed by it. This is where we are. Many of these political changes, including ‘Brexit’ and the election of President Trump, are examples of where this has happened. People on one side didn’t care enough and people on the other did and were extremely passionate for their views. Both won through the relevant democratic systems in place. It’s only been in this year, when I have seen these changes with my own eyes that I am motivated in myself. The truth is, no matter how inappropriate I am as a person and how inappropriate my sense of humour is (aka my reference to my Mexican housemate as ‘the help’) I feel like I know right from wrong. The reason I’m so motivated to change things now is because it’s not ok for the most powerful people in the world to preach words of division and inequality in a way which normalises it to society. Sometimes I imagine there are similarities with Nazi Germany in terms of the propaganda that is used to brainwash the most vulnerable in society. I’m angry that our generations indifference has given a platform to these extremist groups. We have to take some responsibility. On Saturday 19th January there was a Woman’s March, held around major cities across the world. An opportunity for women and of course men, to stand in solidarity and send a message to the powers that be that inequality on any level is not tolerated. For me, it was also an opportunity to show that we are all aware that we didn’t quite do enough and now that we’ve lost and can see the beginning of a road to an alternative universe of sexism, racism, bigotry and every other type of inequality is utterly terrifying. Our sisters before us did not fight for our right to vote and have a voice, for us to lose it when we need it most. The march was very uplifting and it was amazing to see so many motivated men and women stood together as a peaceful mark against where we stand. For me, this wasn’t an anti-Trump march, as I’ve made clear here, he reached that post in a democratic system. He may not have had the people’s vote but in the system which our society has created, he won. For me this March was about acknowledging that we’ve let things go too far and our indifference and selfishness has led to this. We can stand together and change the world, I believe that. My friend pointed out one placard which was very telling, it said ‘it takes a lot to get me off the sofa,’ ….for me, this hits home. If we can all peel ourselves away from the Kardashians and reality tv and into the real world, we can make some change. The irony of this whole sad state of affairs is that one of the biggest reality TV shows in America is now the most powerful man in the world. I thought we were an educated generation. Our forefather and fore sisters would be so ashamed that we’ve let this happen.
So what now ? I would like to look into and research some existing parties which represent the ideals I have. I would like to put my voice forward in some way. I’m so selfish, many of us are….and it’s that sense of always looking out for number one, which has led us to not thinking through what is best for society and the world we live in. We can’t keep blaming culture and society – WE ARE CULTURE AND SOCIETY. Let’s get mobilised and make some changes….
Proud to join 100,000 women, men and a doggie in #WomensMarchLondon